Things to Consider before you get started Swinging
What is your motivation to start swinging?
Is it for you, or is it for your partner?
Swinging is not a Band-Aid. If you and your partner do not have a solid foundation, this lifestyle has the potential to destroy you. Most couples do not want everything with the same intensity. However, if you are trying this lifestyle simply because your partner wants to, and you are repressing your reluctance, that is NOT honest.
Have you thought about if you will want to swap partners, fondle others but not participate in intercourse, or simply just have sex with each other in the same room as others? Define your boundaries!
It's very scary to think about having intercourse with other people. The remote threat of HIV is very real. Many swingers elect not to have intercourse with others. Many swingers who do decide to have intercourse with other couples rule out unprotected sex. There are some couples in this lifestyle that view soft swinging (swinging without intercourse) as unacceptable. Be aware that your boundaries are for you, and you may demand that others respect that, but you will need to communicate this to prospective partners before you hit the party room!
Have you thought about how you will feel when you see your partner being gratified sexually by someone other than yourself?
If you have decided to have intercourse with other couples, have you talked about closed or open swinging? Closed swinging is being with another partner in another room or area where you are separated from your partner. Open swinging is being with another couple in the same area. If you've decided it would be more comfortable for you to be together, have you thought about how you would feel seeing another person with your partner? If you've decided not to be in the same place, have you thought about how to resolve safety issues?
Can you differentiate between making love and having sex?
Making love is an act of love, physically and emotionally intertwined. Having sex is a physical thing, it may be fun, but it does NOT involve LOVE. Most swingers view sex as fun and recreational, but reserve the act of making love for their primary partner.
Can you be completely honest with each other?
Situations may arise that spark jealous feelings. Are you sure that you will be able to be honest with each other? Can you be honest enough to admit your jealousy? And can your partner be honest enough to admit stronger feelings for another than swinging really allows for?
Have you agreed that is you decided to use condoms you would BOTH use condoms?
Most men don't like to use condoms. And some couples don't either. This is a discussion for you to have with the other couples before you get to the sexual part! Nothing is worse than leaving out this part, only to discover that the other couple refuses to use condoms! Or worse the woman used them and looks over to see her partner is not !
Have you agreed on a signal to use in case of trouble?
Trouble can be as small as being rescued from the dance floor, or as big as being rescued for a potentially harmful physical situation. Do you have a small gesture you use to alert your partner that you need help?
Can you commit to being able to stop in the middle of whatever you are doing to rescue your partner from a sticky situation?
This is primarily for the guys, but could apply to women as well. What would you be able to do to communicate that you're uncomfortable to your partner? How would s/he respond? You should discuss the possibilities and know that you may be called upon to stop in your tracks to rescue your other half!
Have you decided what to do if one of you likes a couple and the other doesn't ?
Some couples will split off in this situation. A word of caution: This type of swinging is what causes some new couples jealousy. However, if your particular agreement with each other includes being able to party without being together, then this is a good solution. If your boundaries don't allow for separation, then you need to decide if you are going to forgo this encounter entirely, or if you want to sacrifice your dislike for the good of your partner. Another word of caution: If one or the other of you does a lot of sacrificing or œmercy fucks it is definitely a precursor for trouble.
What will you do if one of you wants to party and the other one doesn't?
See above it all applies.
What makes you jealous?
Have you identified the particular things that flip your switch? If you're a solid couple, you pretty much know what makes your partner jealous. The key here is to be very honest with each other, and discuss things right away. Sitting on a situation that made you feel jealous will simply fester and you jeopardize your primary relationship.
Ok! So you've ironed out all these things and had an encounter. Now, consider these things:
Can you be completely honest with each other?
Did you discuss what happened? Did you share how it made you feel? Were you jealous that your partner was with another person? Did you feel inadequate? Emotions and sex are all tied up together, no matter how hard you try to separate them. It is still important to be able to identify the difference between making love and having recreational sex.
Can you deal with the fact that someone else has gratified your partner sexually?
This is a tough one. It's very hard for new couples to reconcile their feelings of possessiveness. Can you get used to the fact that another person could be the source of your partner's physical satisfaction?
Are you sure you know the difference between making love having sex?
Once you've had an experience or two, you realize that having sex with another person enhances your encounters with each other. If ever you stop sharing with each other about what happens during recreational sex with another couple, it's time to stop for a while and regroup. Swinging isn't about gaining more husbands and wives; it's about friends and sex. It's a point that you shouldn't lose focus of and if you do, your communication skills need to be reworked.
Can you discuss all that happened with each other? Even all the details? Can you share everything?
Honesty and open communication are the keys to a successful swinging relationship. Swinging is not cheating because your lines of communication are wide open. You need to be able to talk to each other, to trust each other. Swinging is intended to enhance your relationship, not confuse it with issues of hiding things from each other and cheating. It's because of this act of sharing with each other that you will be able to redefine your boundaries based on your experiences. If you can come back from a swinging experience and look each other in the eye and say, “I love you so much! then you've got the idea!
Emotions you'll be dealing with...
Jealousy
What will happen to your relationship when you start swinging ? When one partner enjoys themselves more than the other, parties pore than the other, forms a non-sexual relationship with another, jealousy occurs. You will need to try different ways of swinging, perhaps only doing things together as a couple will work for you. Or maybe you get very jealous if you see your partner involved in a wonderful sexual experience without you. As new swingers, you'll need to be very open about trying new things. Try them slowly, and one at a time. If you are jealous that one is having more sex than the other, pehaps the best way to combat that is to meet couples together, and have your swinging experiences together. That would even things out. If the opposite is true, then it might be better to swing in separate rooms. Issues will come up as you experience more situations and guidelines may need to be changed. The most important thing is that you are solid as a couple. Was the decision to swing made together ? Or was it made simply because one or the other of you wanted more sex? This is NOT a good basis to swing. Do you understand your relationship with your significant other? It's very important to know who you are together, before you start adding others. Do you know where your boundaries are? Have you decided to keep intercourse as a special act for just the two of you? Are you both in agreement about the use of condoms? Communicating with each other about all of these questions will make your relationship stronger.
Happiness
As you develop your ground rulles you talk. Communication strengthens relationships. Generally, swingers believe that swinging has a positive effect on their marriage. About 85% of both husbands and wives feel that swinging is not a threat to marriage or love between spouses. None of them reported that their marriage became worse since they began swinging, and the majority feel their marriages have improved.
The effects of swinging most often reported are the following:
Couples experienced an increased feeling of warmth, closeness and love, often most intense immediately after swinging, when the couple got together and exhanged their experiences. This is as if the swingng experience was proof of their love.
Knowledge and confidence regarding sexual technique was more fully developed.
Social life was enriched and active.
Couples became more open and honest with on another in al areas of their relationship.
A benefit for some was that sexual behavior was taken out of the dark and became more of a taken-for granted normal activity.
By Edgar W. Butler, Ph.D. Excerpted and edited from Dr. Butlers book, Traditional Marriages and Emerging Alternatives. Courtesy of NASCA
Is it for you, or is it for your partner?
Swinging is not a Band-Aid. If you and your partner do not have a solid foundation, this lifestyle has the potential to destroy you. Most couples do not want everything with the same intensity. However, if you are trying this lifestyle simply because your partner wants to, and you are repressing your reluctance, that is NOT honest.
Have you thought about if you will want to swap partners, fondle others but not participate in intercourse, or simply just have sex with each other in the same room as others? Define your boundaries!
It's very scary to think about having intercourse with other people. The remote threat of HIV is very real. Many swingers elect not to have intercourse with others. Many swingers who do decide to have intercourse with other couples rule out unprotected sex. There are some couples in this lifestyle that view soft swinging (swinging without intercourse) as unacceptable. Be aware that your boundaries are for you, and you may demand that others respect that, but you will need to communicate this to prospective partners before you hit the party room!
Have you thought about how you will feel when you see your partner being gratified sexually by someone other than yourself?
If you have decided to have intercourse with other couples, have you talked about closed or open swinging? Closed swinging is being with another partner in another room or area where you are separated from your partner. Open swinging is being with another couple in the same area. If you've decided it would be more comfortable for you to be together, have you thought about how you would feel seeing another person with your partner? If you've decided not to be in the same place, have you thought about how to resolve safety issues?
Can you differentiate between making love and having sex?
Making love is an act of love, physically and emotionally intertwined. Having sex is a physical thing, it may be fun, but it does NOT involve LOVE. Most swingers view sex as fun and recreational, but reserve the act of making love for their primary partner.
Can you be completely honest with each other?
Situations may arise that spark jealous feelings. Are you sure that you will be able to be honest with each other? Can you be honest enough to admit your jealousy? And can your partner be honest enough to admit stronger feelings for another than swinging really allows for?
Have you agreed that is you decided to use condoms you would BOTH use condoms?
Most men don't like to use condoms. And some couples don't either. This is a discussion for you to have with the other couples before you get to the sexual part! Nothing is worse than leaving out this part, only to discover that the other couple refuses to use condoms! Or worse the woman used them and looks over to see her partner is not !
Have you agreed on a signal to use in case of trouble?
Trouble can be as small as being rescued from the dance floor, or as big as being rescued for a potentially harmful physical situation. Do you have a small gesture you use to alert your partner that you need help?
Can you commit to being able to stop in the middle of whatever you are doing to rescue your partner from a sticky situation?
This is primarily for the guys, but could apply to women as well. What would you be able to do to communicate that you're uncomfortable to your partner? How would s/he respond? You should discuss the possibilities and know that you may be called upon to stop in your tracks to rescue your other half!
Have you decided what to do if one of you likes a couple and the other doesn't ?
Some couples will split off in this situation. A word of caution: This type of swinging is what causes some new couples jealousy. However, if your particular agreement with each other includes being able to party without being together, then this is a good solution. If your boundaries don't allow for separation, then you need to decide if you are going to forgo this encounter entirely, or if you want to sacrifice your dislike for the good of your partner. Another word of caution: If one or the other of you does a lot of sacrificing or œmercy fucks it is definitely a precursor for trouble.
What will you do if one of you wants to party and the other one doesn't?
See above it all applies.
What makes you jealous?
Have you identified the particular things that flip your switch? If you're a solid couple, you pretty much know what makes your partner jealous. The key here is to be very honest with each other, and discuss things right away. Sitting on a situation that made you feel jealous will simply fester and you jeopardize your primary relationship.
Ok! So you've ironed out all these things and had an encounter. Now, consider these things:
Can you be completely honest with each other?
Did you discuss what happened? Did you share how it made you feel? Were you jealous that your partner was with another person? Did you feel inadequate? Emotions and sex are all tied up together, no matter how hard you try to separate them. It is still important to be able to identify the difference between making love and having recreational sex.
Can you deal with the fact that someone else has gratified your partner sexually?
This is a tough one. It's very hard for new couples to reconcile their feelings of possessiveness. Can you get used to the fact that another person could be the source of your partner's physical satisfaction?
Are you sure you know the difference between making love having sex?
Once you've had an experience or two, you realize that having sex with another person enhances your encounters with each other. If ever you stop sharing with each other about what happens during recreational sex with another couple, it's time to stop for a while and regroup. Swinging isn't about gaining more husbands and wives; it's about friends and sex. It's a point that you shouldn't lose focus of and if you do, your communication skills need to be reworked.
Can you discuss all that happened with each other? Even all the details? Can you share everything?
Honesty and open communication are the keys to a successful swinging relationship. Swinging is not cheating because your lines of communication are wide open. You need to be able to talk to each other, to trust each other. Swinging is intended to enhance your relationship, not confuse it with issues of hiding things from each other and cheating. It's because of this act of sharing with each other that you will be able to redefine your boundaries based on your experiences. If you can come back from a swinging experience and look each other in the eye and say, “I love you so much! then you've got the idea!
Emotions you'll be dealing with...
Jealousy
What will happen to your relationship when you start swinging ? When one partner enjoys themselves more than the other, parties pore than the other, forms a non-sexual relationship with another, jealousy occurs. You will need to try different ways of swinging, perhaps only doing things together as a couple will work for you. Or maybe you get very jealous if you see your partner involved in a wonderful sexual experience without you. As new swingers, you'll need to be very open about trying new things. Try them slowly, and one at a time. If you are jealous that one is having more sex than the other, pehaps the best way to combat that is to meet couples together, and have your swinging experiences together. That would even things out. If the opposite is true, then it might be better to swing in separate rooms. Issues will come up as you experience more situations and guidelines may need to be changed. The most important thing is that you are solid as a couple. Was the decision to swing made together ? Or was it made simply because one or the other of you wanted more sex? This is NOT a good basis to swing. Do you understand your relationship with your significant other? It's very important to know who you are together, before you start adding others. Do you know where your boundaries are? Have you decided to keep intercourse as a special act for just the two of you? Are you both in agreement about the use of condoms? Communicating with each other about all of these questions will make your relationship stronger.
Happiness
As you develop your ground rulles you talk. Communication strengthens relationships. Generally, swingers believe that swinging has a positive effect on their marriage. About 85% of both husbands and wives feel that swinging is not a threat to marriage or love between spouses. None of them reported that their marriage became worse since they began swinging, and the majority feel their marriages have improved.
The effects of swinging most often reported are the following:
Couples experienced an increased feeling of warmth, closeness and love, often most intense immediately after swinging, when the couple got together and exhanged their experiences. This is as if the swingng experience was proof of their love.
Knowledge and confidence regarding sexual technique was more fully developed.
Social life was enriched and active.
Couples became more open and honest with on another in al areas of their relationship.
A benefit for some was that sexual behavior was taken out of the dark and became more of a taken-for granted normal activity.
By Edgar W. Butler, Ph.D. Excerpted and edited from Dr. Butlers book, Traditional Marriages and Emerging Alternatives. Courtesy of NASCA
